A - Class Failure

HI. it's only the 4th day of exam and I'm already feeling so done with pretty much everything. pulang ujian jam 12, tidur sampe jam 3, belajar sampe jam 10 malem, bangun jam 3 shubuh belajar lagi. painful isn't it? but do ya know what hurts more than that? nilai sebagian besar 3 hari pertama ulangan lo adalah 7. here :

bingg 82

bindo 77

sejarah 71

mathe 70

bio 70

tuh gue bold, representing my biggest regret. gue belajar bio sabtu-minggu sebelum ujian jam 3 - 5 shubuh sama temen gue yang intern and he's very good at it. it's about neurology btw. gue diajarin cara mikir yang dia bilang "biological logic". sorry to disappoint you, sir but I fail. again.

my house is still in this euphoria of my sister's big-hit achievement. nemnya dia 36,65. dan itu murni hasil meres keringet dia sendiri. my dad and mom was all like "congrats, kiddo!" well nem gue jg murni tp cm 36,15. but you didn't congratulate me back then. fine, no prob I'm used to that. in my sister's era yang pake narocob nilainya max 35. and my era? it wasn't that fair, madafakah. I had to be "thrown away" dari sekolah impian gue. and now my sist seems to have the chance buat masuk sana. jealous? of course. but I want the best for her and I don't want her to go through the same sorrowful junior year the way I did. so congrats, soon-to-be grave2016! I am truly happy for you:)

and then there's me, sitting in front of the pc, blogging instead of studying.

sudah terlalu males sepertinya.

mau belajar kaya apa, the result won't be good enough to please every single one of you.

you know. few weeks ago dad said

"kadang kita harus realistis, harus tau kemampuan kita kaya apa daripada nanti patah arang"

to me it sounded more like 

"I'm giving up on you."

but I didn't say anything. Idk. udah banyak orang yang bilang kaya gt ke gue. apakah itu sebuah pertanda kalo emang gue gadeserve to be in medschool? apa kalian udah segive up gt sama gue? or do I look that much of a moron to you?

I look around, and all of my best friends say :

"ah gue mau masuk blablabla tp kemampuan gue gasegitu jd skrg gue mau masuk blablabla aja, pasti gaakan kesampean kalo yang itu"

and I'm like

"what is wrong with me...? have I ever once been a realistic person the way they do?"

you are so delusional Mir.

my aunt few months ago offered me some back-up plans if FK won't work out. kaya kerja kantoran gt. I said

"NAH. gamau. gabakal mau."

sorry aunt, I love you but you just have to believe in me sometimes.

with that kind of determination, seems like nobody has the heart to say that I shouldn't go to medschool. I know you people wanna say that directly to me, but maybe you'll think it will tear me apart big time. I am glad you didn't do that because it actually will. I know I am stubborn, but kalo bukan stubborn bukan Amira namanya;)

and to my dad, yeah dad you said it yourself that I was born with this linguistic talent. I may not be as smart as you in logic stuff. but has my talent made you proud? even when I can speak English fluently without trying so hard to? even when I got 597 in my TOEFL which beats out everyone's TOEFL at our house? nah, my so-called talent has never done you good. I will never be that good in science. we all know that, but that doesn't mean I wanna let go of something which I've been holding on to -going to a medschool. I may not be the smartest kid you've ever known but maybe, or hopefully I will cure cancer. that's whole lot better than being the smartest kid around. all you need to do is to be supportive. believe in me that I can.

you said I better be realistic , but sorry I am more to an optimist than a realist. I'd rather get my heart broken in the end than my dream dead.