Different Perspectives

hey there! I've told you that now I'm easily pissed, right? it's just me or people's anger becomes so damn unreasonable since June? or should I say.......since I got into my shs? haha predictable. I knew it dudes.

people judge me like there's no tomorrow. I usually don't give an F about it but how it would feel like if the people that judge you every single day are your closest friends that you can call them "family?" there are 3 people that I've always trusted think that I change. what would I do?

you do know that I go to one of the famous high school in Jakarta, don't ya? but the outsiders only think that school is famous because of violence, bad seniority and the popularity of the students in it. objection! that's not true. well, people also think that :

1. I go to that school for looking for popularity

excuse me? popularity? that's so not me. I don't wanna be the popular Amira. for God sake, I've never wanted to. no offense, is there anything you get from being popular? if you think I wanna be popular, for the record I'm sooooooooo quite at school, I only say a word when it needed, unlike jhs right? at jhs, I could laugh, dance, even rofl without any shyness. ever since elementary school, people think that I'm a sociable person and got so many friends. I wanna be called as a sociable person, not "looking for popularity". I miss it, I admit it.

2. That school is just full of "garbages", bad seniority and violence stuff

DUDE? YOU THINK YOUR SCHOOL IS THE BEST SCHOOL EVER CREATED? NO, PLEASE. you think that your lovely school never do that tubir stuff and there's no bad seniority even just a bit? not, right? just admit that I'm so damn right about it.

okey, opinion that matters. yeah if you're the outsider you have the right to think that way. I did think the same thing when I was in jhs though. but, what people think are so outrageous and exaggerate.

I was freaking out to dead the 1st time I stepped my shoes on my shs. people judge it waaaaay too serious. the fact it's not that scary or violent. you just have to be "invisible" when you're a first grader. that's all.

you're not even a student there. you consider yourself as an outsider. so just shut up. I've had enough of everyone's judgement. they say this, that, without knowing the exact situation. even the first graders who suffer everyday never complain. and why the outsiders have to publish this and that with the fact they've never gone through that themself? think about it, people.

and don't ever say that the headmaster and the teachers do nothing about it. if you and your curiosity wanna know, the teachers guard every corner of the school. they guard the canteen, toilet, stairs, corridors, fields, even the place where the 1st graders gather round EVERYTIME. they also suggest us not to pick extracurricular that has a high level of bad seniority so the seniors have no chance to touch us.

not that I want to protect my school, I'm just tired. I'm sick of all this. I've had enough. you think I'm happy to be there? big NO. I cry myself to sleep many times. I always think "why did I even take the damned test when I've never expected to be there?" and then I regret. I feel like I'm an idiot and this brain is so asdfghjkl.

if I could I would turn back the time. I regret my decision just a second after I decided it. sometimes I wish I cheated the national exam. somehow I wish to be the smartass Amira.

I miss my friends every single day. I miss Nadya, Dhifa, Dina, Fiona, etc every day:'

I lost my "fun" side somewhere on the road. I wish I had it back but there's no turning back.

how it feels like to be surrounded by people who don't know what you've been through?

how it feels like to sit in a classroom feeling like a stranger but the fact is you are legally, a student in it?

how it feels like to be there alive when everyone think you're not even alive?

how it feels like to be in a place for a long time without having the person you can hug, count on, rely to, share with, talk with, at least understand you 24/7?

I've always wanted to be in 47 sooooo bad since I was in the 7th grade. people persuaded me to go to 90 and 34 but it had no effect on me. you can say that my brain has been set up to do what it takes to go to 47. I used to set a picture with the word "47 2014" on my phone wallpaper just to motivate me everyday. if you don't believe, I have witnesses though. but because of my lack of hardwork and that fckng damned illegal thing, I couldn't be there.

then I signed up for 28 shs but it turned that there were 1000 geeks did the same thing so I forced my self signing up for 70 eventhough people don't wanna see me there but I just had to do it. from that my life has started screwing up. FU.

somehow I wish I could move to another. somehow I wish I was in 90 or 47. if I was, I'd be having a big smile on my face now. but I'm not. seeing some of my friends going to move, it envies me. but you think moving will solve the problem? yes I know it will, but it's not that easy. I want to, but I want to struggle the 1st semester (which is the worst) first, and I'll decide what's next later.

yeah sorry for using some bad words. those are just some craps about how I feel. you have the right to judge, but in the other hand I have the right to speak my heart up. I'm not a doll. I'm a free bird, baby. please understand even just a bit, I'll appreciate. thank you:)